How to Lose a Guy...

For all of you ladies looking for a new way to ward off unsolicited advances or to firmly let a guy know, once and for all, that you are not the lady of his dreams, I've discovered a fool-proof deterrent.

Get arrested.

Nothing screams I am not the future mother of your children more than that of the back of a cop car and a mug shot.
How, you may ask, did you dream up this scheme?
I am speaking candidly of my own experience as a hardened criminal and of the poor idiot whom I was casually texting before this incident occurred.
Yes, yours truly has done time in the slammer (albeit, it may have only been 15 minutes in a concrete jail cell at the local police department, but those are precious minutes and countless uncontrolled tears that I will never get back).
For the record, it was an honest mistake. And, I have to admit, I am more embarrassed over my own dumb-blondish carelessness (I'm not blond, by the way) than I am over confessing that I now have a misdemeanor.
A misdemeanor.
(Wow, I am such a badass!).
Turns out that if you receive a ticket for expired tags and then have your tags renewed prior to the scheduled court date and then proceed to forget about said scheduled court date, that your driver's license will be suspended, without any sort of notice, for contempt of court.
And if you then encounter a routine checkpoint on your way to work in the morning and they casually run your license through their database, you will receive the shock of your life when they order you out of the car, slap some handcuffs around your delicate wrists, and haul you off to the local police department.
It was soon after this incident that the hapless chap I mentioned earlier decided to text me to see how my day was going.
"Rather shitty," I replied. "I got arrested today."
Silence.
I then proceeded to explain how it was not really all my fault.
More silence.

Good riddance.
Despite the fact that our families have been friends and neighbors for a number of years, we did not know each other. We became Facebook friends after we both attended our families' annual rafting trip this past summer. He asked for my number soon after and our text relationship began.

Him: Want to hangout sometime?
Me: Sure, what did you have in mind?
Him: u wanna watch a movie?
Me: Okay, sounds good.
Him: At ur place
Me: Sure...
Him: Do u like to cuddle an watch movies?
Me: Not with guys I don't know...
Him: But u know me already lol
Me: I don't know you at all! We've never hungout!

This is how our conversations went, also randomly interspersed with comments like, thinkin about u sweetie or u looked good in ur bikini at the river.
We never actually made it to the point of hanging out. The reasons for that are obvious but I'm going to list them anyways:
(Take notes, guys. These are serious offenses.)

-He did not call to ask me to hangout, he took the easy way out and texted me. (lacks courage)
-When he did ask, he suggested we watch a movie together...at my place. No dinner and a movie. No cost to him whatsoever. This is translated as two things: he's cheap and he's not interested in a relationship. (bachelor forever)
-His conversation consisted of piggish comments focused solely on my physical appearance, telling me that he is not interested in my mind or heart, but rather my body. (looking for a "good time")
-He uses "text language" such as "ur" "lol" "u" (lazy and probably stupid)
-He immediately starts calling me obnoxious pet names like "sweetie." Even if we were in a steady relationship, which we weren't, these would not be acceptable. And they are definitely a big fat NO if you've never actually hung out.

The arrest couldn't have come at a more perfect time in our short-lived romance. It quickly extinguished the flames of texting-induced passions and ever so abruptly destroyed his dreams of the perfect woman (ahem...or a good time...).

So what are we girls looking for in a guy? What are our expectations of them for scoring a date?
It's simple. Be respectful. Be bold (but in a good way). Call her up and ask to take her out to dinner. Make interesting conversation, as in, actually ask her questions about her that show that you are interested in more than just her hot body. Pay for the meal, taker her home, and don't ask to come inside unless she invites you.
And for god's sake if she says she's having a shitty day, REPLY. And maybe send her flowers...